Living in the past (tense)

The more I write, the more I am aware of language around me in all forms: written, verbal and visual. Sure, nobody gets it right all the time (myself included). But when it goes wrong, it  can go terribly wrong.

Of all the plain English sins a speaker or writer can commit, passive language is one of my biggest bugbears. Using the second person when talking about yourself is also incredibly annoying. Not sure what I mean? Think about the last post-match interview you listened to, when a sports person was asked to comment on their performance. It probably went something like this:

"You know, it gets hard but you've just got to get out there and give it your best [110%!] and when you finish you feel so good bla bla bla ..."

It's not just sports people who flout plain English. Speaking or writing in past tense when asking a question in the present makes no sense at all. Here's a conversation I had with a shop assistant last weekend when buying stationery as a gift.

Were you in our loyalty club?
No and I don't think I am now either.
I can check on our system. What was your last name?
The same as it is now.
I can't find you. [No surprises.] Did you want to join our loyalty club?
No thanks. I didn't then and I still don't.
Were you wanting any cards or wrapping paper for this gift?
No thanks, I wasn't.

In case you're wondering, I didn't actually answer her questions with those exact words. Not only would it have been rude but the points would have been entirely lost on her.

So what is my point? Why am I being so pedantic about language? Does it even matter?

If you shuddered while reading this,
you'll know what I'm talking about.

Yes, it does. Seriously, who speaks like that??

Apparently more people than I realised. Here's an excerpt from a phone conversation I had yesterday with someone trying to help me retrieve my password from a government agency account. I'd set it up some time in the early 2000s and was locked out for increasing lengths of time at every password attempt.

What website were you wanting to access?
When? Now or back when I first set up the account 15+ years ago?

And so the pattern was set.

Please, do yourself and those around you a favour: say what you mean and mean what you say when you say it.

*steps down from soapbox*

"Your computer has a virus"

We don't often get calls on our land line so it's usually pretty easy to guess who might be calling at certain times in the evening. The usual suspects are Sky TV (for the last time, eff off!) or yet another government insulation scheme. If they are unfortunate enough to get me on the phone, they'll either get a swift yet rude response or an instant hang-up. Actually, it's more likely to be one followed by the other. However, sometimes there are also callers from India who utter five heavily-accented infamous words: "your computer has a virus".

Really? How thoughtful of you to call from the other side of the world to let us know! I'm sure you know how the next part of the conversation goes. These are the kinds of phone calls that inspire floods of "oh, I should have said ..." thoughts in the following hours. But enough of them have happened during the last couple of years to enable us to sharpen our wit and be quicker off the mark with some of our remarks. My partner is getting quite good at it. It's almost become a game among people I know: can you get the scammer to hang up on you, instead of the other way around? How did you do it? How long did you keep them on the phone for? And so on.

Last night was a bit different. I put it out to the Twitterverse to come up with some responses to the Indian woman who called and had the pleasure of being shafted by my partner. She hung up before the tweets came through, but there were some great ideas for next time along with a few that we already know to work. Here's a selection of them:

• "I've just got a pot boiling. Hold on while I turn the stove off" ... then leave the phone off the hook and count the minutes until they eventually hang up.
• "I'm a bit busy right now. What's your number so I can call you back?" This one usually results in an instant hang-up.
• "But I don't have a computer." Repeat as many times necessary. We do this while playing around on our laptops and with both of our smartphones within reach. It seems to confuse them; they insist that it is a very dangerous virus, even though we explain that we don't have any computers in the house.
• Ask them exactly how they are accessing your computer, what operating system you're using and what your IP address is so you can confirm which computer has the problem. (Thanks @UpsideBackwards!)
• Explain that it's very hard to believe as you are in the police internet fraud office. (Awesome stuff from @beerlytweeting.)

Last night's winning line came after my partner questioned the caller's ability to sleep at night knowing that she is intentionally scamming innocent people with her lies. She tried to restart the script, then he scored the touchdown by asking, "haven't you got any morals?" Click!

This sort of thing isn't new, though. Humans have been scamming each other since civilisation began and we shouldn't fantasise that it was any different in the past. However, the intricacy of these scamming rings is alarmingly sophisticated. Talking to a banking fraud analyst recently, I learned that these schemes are actually very complex international operations. They work in much the same way as the infamous Nigerian 419 email scams. The scammers are part of syndicates who buy the contact details of people from all around the world and categorise everyone according to their proven levels of gullibility. If you have proven yourself as being gormless enough to fall for Stage 1, you get promoted to the next level and your name moves up the scale of people who can be easily scammed. You'll find yourself dealing with further tiers of scammers, whose English becomes progressively better in direct inverse proportion to their behaviour, all the way to the top of the pyramid. By this stage, you will find your bank balance substantially lighter and the threats coming thick and fast. It's an extremely nasty business.

Do you play the hang-up game with virus hoax callers? What sort of fun do you have with them and what's your record time for keeping them on the phone before they hang up?

Wellington, a dying capital?

We kiwis are a pretty patriotic bunch. It seems that Wellingtonions are even more so - just look at what happens to anyone who tries to take a swipe at our beloved city. What?! I'm not sure I live in the same city that John Key is talking about. Key has since conceded that he should have chosen "better terminology" rather than stating, "The reality is even Wellington is dying and we don't know how to turn it around. All you have there is government, Victoria University and Weta Workshop." Really??! His comments set Twitter and local media a-flutter today.

No doubt there has been at least a little bit of poetic license taken with Key's original quote. I'm fairly certain (or at least hopeful) that it was a throwaway comment taken out of context, as this seems to be happening a lot lately. He probably "won't recall" saying it tomorrow. But I have to wonder where it came from in the first place.

It's true that I'm 100% biased towards Wellington, where I was born and bred. But what's not to love? Think about it: in any given week, Wellington's social calendar is positively buzzing. Right now, we're in the middle of the International Comedy Festival and the opera Madame Butterfly flies into town later this week. We build up to a couple of creative weeks during WOW each year (sorry, Nelson) and throw the party of the year at the sevens each February. There's also a whole stack of cheap (or even free) stuff happening all the time, but you simply can't beat a stroll along our waterfront on a gorgeous, sunny day - something that is both free and priceless all at the same time. If you're still not convinced, check out the Wellington open day on 26 May. I just hope that Wellington doesn't die before Swan Lake in July, as I'd bought my tickets for the ballet before learning the city had been pronounced dead.

Think about it. We've just had the best summer in living memory. Our waterfront is so awesome that even orcas came to visit this summer - twice! We love coffee, restaurants and bars and can proudly state we're the craft beer capital. Not only that, but we're pretty nice people. We've even started sharing our love of caffeine with suspended coffee.

This super-cool video of little wellington sums us up perfectly.

little wellington from Michael Jo on Vimeo.

Sure, we could do with a proper international airport and a better roading system in and out of the city. We also like to wear a lot of black. Our weather has made the news this week, probably because we Wellingtonions are no longer used to rough conditions after such a glorious summer. I'm reminded of a friend's comment comparing Wellington weather to a small child: wild and tempestuous one day, then sweet and charming the next. Yes, the weather reminds us that we are alive.

I'd like to make a Tui billboard out of it:

Wellington's a dying city.
Yeah right.

What do you think? Is Wellington a dying city? Or perhaps it is dead already and we just haven't noticed because we're having too much fun?

Chuggers

*steps up onto soapbox*

Ask and you shall receive, or so the saying goes. It kind of makes sense. After all, how do you know what someone wants if they don't tell you (and you're not a mind reader)?

I learned a new word from a friend recently: chugging (charity mugging). Carried out by chuggers, they are what we would politely refer to as street fundraisers. Street fundraisers are mostly in town on a Friday, but chuggers seem to be everywhere all of the time.

Here's a true story:

Scene: Me waiting to cross the road at the traffic lights, iPhone plugged in and watching the traffic (as you do).
Random chugger: "Have you signed the petition to save the Arctic?"
Me: "Pardon?"
Random chugger: "You can save the Arctic."
Me: "Really? How?"
Random chugger: "Just sign this."
Me: "No, thanks."
Random chugger (shakes head, looks downhearted): "That's all it would have taken."

Let me get this straight. All you need is my signature on your piece of paper and the Arctic will be saved? Heck, why bother asking anyone else! If I sign it, will you go home and leave everybody else alone, safe in the knowledge that I have just saved a significant part of the planet and they don't need to worry about it any more? No, didn't think so. I also find it hard to believe that you weren't going to ask for money next, either.

There are particular brands of chuggers that are exponentially worse than others. I'm looking at you. And you. And definitely you. They are the ones that step in your path on a busy street so you have to walk around them, or wave in front of your face, ready with a great conversation opener like, "It looks like you're enjoying listening to some music." What gave it away - the iPhone, earbuds and glazed look on my face? I managed to escape that one unscathed and crossed the road. I walked about three steps ... there's another from the same charity standing in front of me and waving me down. Seriously. *sigh*

Now, I'm all for charity collections and have spent many a rainy day over the years (it always rains on the days I volunteer) rattling a collection box on a street corner before branding donors with a sticker or badge, letting them off the hook for another week. But I think chuggers take things a step too far. In fact, they turn me off those charities completely. I have no doubt that their charity work is (probably) very worthwhile. I just think there must be a better way to fundraise and gather support than annoying people as they go about their business every day of the week.

*steps off soapbox*

Coffee cup challenge

Surfing the net and drinking coffee at home on a rainy summer's day, I came across The great coffee cup recycling challenge. Now, I'm not usually someone who jumps on their environmental high horse, but this really got me thinking. Using reusable takeaway coffee cups is not rocket science; it's just plain common sense. So why don't more people do it?

As a coffee lover, I'm one of those five-coffee-a-week habiters mentioned in the article. Last year, I bought a reusable coffee cup from Coffee Creation and use it daily at work. To me, it made good economic as well as environmental sense as I am charged 50c less for coffee when I use my own cup, which meant it paid for itself in no time at all. It's not big bucks but it all adds up. As colleagues' disposable cups pile up in bins several times a day, a quick rinse of my cup leaves it ready to go for next time and I just throw it into the dishwasher at home in weekends. Easy!

I chose this style over the increasingly popular Keep Cup as I prefer to drink from ceramic rather than plastic, but the concept is the same. Much like using reusable supermarket bags, it is an easy habit to adopt and makes more sense than consuming endless packaging destined for landfills. Actual recycling of these disposable products rarely occurs and is both a difficult and costly process.

At weekends, I will either make a stovetop espresso at home or drink coffee at a local café. Occasionally I'll buy coffee to take away if I'm on the move but this doesn't happen very often. I've got to say that in all my frequenting of cafés, I don't recall any that advertise different prices for takeaway coffee served in your own cup. The wonderful Celcius Café in Petone uses biodegradable takeaway cups and the rest of their coffee production is totally sustainable, too. There may be others, but none instantly come to mind. Perhaps if the financial incentives were spelt out in black and white with two prices side by side then bringing your own takeaway cup would become a more attractive option, benefitting the environment at the same time?

How about you? Do you use reusable takeaway coffee cups? What do you think is the best way to encourage coffee drinkers to adopt reusable cups?

On being prepared

OK, so last night turned out to be the acid test and we failed it abysmally. My sweetie thinks we did just fine and that I'm just being grumpy and negative; I beg to differ. Let me explain ...

I have been really enjoying the cold snap we've been experiencing these past two days, mostly because it is uncharacteristic but also because I know it is short lived and we're safe, warm and dry at home. I drove home from work through hail and squealed with delight at the white state around me, which was punctuated by some pretty impressive thunder. Cool!

The power was off when I got home but there was enough fading light left in the day to see things. The power came back on shortly afterwards and normality resumed. Apparently the outage lasted around 30 minutes. We warmed up by the heater (which is gas powered) and put off doing the supermarket shopping in the hail.

The streets were literally white as we drove to the supermarket; believe me, this just doesn't happen when you live so close to the sea. Thankfully, the weather conditions left the supermarket relatively empty during what is traditionally a very busy time of the day. All good. We unpacked our groceries and put dinner in the oven.

The power surged a few times as we watched the weather forecast, and we thought about reconnecting the UPS to protect our electronics, then it cut complete. The gas heater was still going strong and between us we managed to get some light from the torches on our keyrings and mobile phones. One good torch was sitting in pieces on the coffee table, waiting for fresh batteries. I'm a candle lover and I knew I had a bag of tea lights in the bedroom, but we weren't sure where a lighter was and had few containers to sit them on once lit. Another torch was sitting by the mirror and also waiting for new batteries. Dinner had stopped cooking. The kitten thought it was time to play ...

After everything that had been said about being prepared for an emergency, and despite my best intentions, I still hadn't got around to preparing an emergency kit at home. There had been a recent drive at work to assemble personal survival bags, and I'd got mine started by adding a few basic items, but only got as far as bringing the list of what we'd need home.

We soon found candles and a lighter and thankfully the gas heater was going strong, but a one hour power cut on a cold, stormy night left us twiddling our thumbs in the dark and running on battery power. (I drafted this blog post on my iPod touch.) It was a timely wakeup call that things wouldn't be so cosy after a disaster, when we'd likely be without any facilities like power, water, gas or sewerage.

Mark my words, I am going to sort out our emergency kit THIS WEEK and I urge you to do the same. (Yes, this is the pot calling the kettle black.) We're lucky to have been safe, warm and out of any danger; this won't be the case if disaster strikes. I'm probably more annoyed with myself for not being prepared than worried about how things could have been. Either way, the time to sort things is NOW.

Emergency survival kit

Here's what you need (from Get Thru):

• torch with spare batteries or a self-charging torch
• radio with spare batteries (and know which radio station/s to tune into)
• wind and waterproof clothing, sun hats and strong outdoor shoes
• first aid kit and essential medicines
• blankets or sleeping bags
• pet supplies
• toilet paper and large rubbish bags for your emergency toilet
• face and dust masks

Check all batteries every three months. Battery powered lighting is the safest and easiest. Do not use candles as they can tip over in earthquake aftershocks or in a gust of wind. Do not use kerosene lamps, which require a great deal of ventilation and are not designed for indoor use.

Food and water for at least three days:

• non-perishable food (canned or dried food)
• food, formula and drinks for babies and small children
• water for drinking - at least 3 litres per person, per day
• water for washing and cooking
• a primus or gas barbeque to cook on
• a can opener

Check and replace food and water every twelve months. Consider stocking a two-week supply of food and water for prolonged emergencies such as a pandemic or earthquake.

Wellywood - Yeah, right

It's not often that I comment on current events or issues via this blog. I don't tend to join Facebook protest groups that pop up from time to time objecting to everything from television shows being cut to child abuse. Sure, I understand that people want to feel they are taking action, but I don't imagine they are overly effective. Today, I'm standing on my soapbox along with the rest of them.

For those who may have missed all the fuss brewing in our local teapot, the owners of Wellington Airport have decided to recreate the iconic Hollywood sign in the hillside next to the Miramar cutting. They perceive it to celebrate our local film industry and put Wellywood (not that I've ever heard Wellington called that by a local) on everyone's bucket list.

How embarrassing.

The media, social and otherwise, must be loving it. Articles, stories and editorials are popping up everywhere and opinion pieces are rife. An airport blockade protest is planned for tonight, but still Wellington Airport CEO Steve Fitzgerald remains defiant in a toddler-style tantrum worthy of the Minister of Education. Apparently no amount of outrage, objection or common sense will change his mind and construction of the sign will ahead in time for the rugby world cup in September. Don't get me started on what this pseudo deadline has meant for our country in regard to issues you wouldn't even begin to imagine elsewhere.

Not only is the proposed sign cringe worthy, but it is unoriginal, tacky and lacks any fibre of creativity - something which we Wellingtonions are supposed to be celebrating. Copying an existing concept in the name of creativity does not even make good marketing sense.

Here are some of my ideas for alternative signs. They certainly would be more appropriate.

Actually, I think this would make the best sign of all:

Come on, Wellington. We can do better than that.

Driving me crazy

I write some of my best tweets while driving. Well, that is, I think of some pretty good ones while I'm driving. At least, I think they're good. The problem is, I don't have internet access on my phone or txt my tweets, and I'm hardly ever just on my way home or heading to somewhere where I can access wifi with my iPod touch ... and then I've forgotten them. Until the next time I hop in the car and the same thing happens.

I've decided to experiment with writing a blog post about the things that drive me crazy on the roads. This list is not exhaustive (it's merely a starting point, lol) and I'm sure there will be dozens more examples which can be added to it. Some happen over and over and over again. How do these people manage to stay on the roads without doing major damage to themselves or everyone else around them??

Tips for drivers

• In New Zealand, we drive on the left-hand side of the road. Whether or not there is a line painted down the middle of the road, or the street is narrower than usual, or you're just driving home from the movies, the rule is the same. 
• A busy intersection is not the place for a U-turn.
• A street corner is not a car park. This is especially true if your car is technically straddling two streets at once.
• If you indicate left to pull over the side of the road, this does not give you permission to then pull out to the right and do a U-turn. I know what you're thinking: "well, at least I indicated". I'd thank you for it, if only it made the slightest bit of sense.
• When you drive 90km/h in the fast lane on the motorway, you cause other drivers around you to behave erratically and change lanes intermittently. When you speed up as the rest of the motorway rearranges itself around you ... well, words fail me.
• If you are supposed to give way to me at an intersection but you try to sneak through by speeding up and assume I'll be able to slow down in time to avoid you, then you can expect to hear my horn. Yelling abuse at me, complete with rude gestures, when you could have been the cause of a crash and should have given way does not make you right.
• Just because your car is loud and the back half of it barely clears the road, it doesn't mean that you can change lanes whenever you feel like it, pass on the inside, or drive through pedestrian crossings.
• Perhaps taxi and bus drivers could stop for red lights, or at least not speed up as soon as a light turns amber? I know - crazy talk!
• Randomly stopping in the middle of a busy street to let someone out of your car (or pick someone up) is never a good idea. It doesn't matter how much you gesture to me that I should pass you while you've decided to park on the road; I'm not prepared to drive head-on into traffic coming towards me in the other lane. Turning on your indicator after all the above has occurred does not get you out of trouble, either.
• If you rear-end someone and end up crashing into the back of their car, don't get out and pretend that any damage or scratches to their car was there before you hit them. How the heck would you know?? (This one's for my sweetie.)

Care to add any of your own?

The "new" Vegemite

The Vegemite publicity machine is in top gear this week. For years, the question has simply been "Vegemite or Marmite?", followed by lengthy and often heated debate, much like Coke vs Pepsi. For me it's Vegemite all the way and, yes, I can tell the difference. For those of you who reply "neither" ... *sigh*.

This week, the debate has a new dimension added. A few months ago, a new Vegemite product was tentatively launched to complement (not replace) the original Vegemite. Adding cream cheese to the original recipe was meant to make it easier to spread and more convenient to snack on. Taste tests showed that the product wasn't too bad. I haven't tasted it yet myself but am curious about the outcome. An international campaign to find a name for the new product (which most people haven't tasted) was launched, and the winning name was declared iSnack 2.0. What on earth does that have to do with Vegemite? And how was this the best suggestion from a pool of more than 48,000 entries??

The name was eventually given a huge thumbs down ... after several hundred thousand jars rolled off the production line. With these labels now destined to become collectors' items, the public are, once again, being asked to vote on a new name. The timeframe is tight; voting finishes at midday on Monday 5 October. But haven't we already done that?

This time, six suggestions are given and voters are asked to rank them in order of preference. To be honest, they're all incredibly boring and some of them are as random as iSnack 2.0 was. At most, the voting process is probably an attempt by Kraft to milk every last bit of publicity from a campaign that didn't exactly set the yeast spread world on fire to begin with. I have a feeling that, no matter what winning name is announced on Wednesday 7 October, the product will forever be known as the "new" Vegemite.

RIP Michael Jackson

Like much of the Western world, I was both shocked and saddened to hear about the death of Michael Jackson yesterday. For me, his death will be one of those "where were you when you heard ..." moments, just like I remember the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, and others before me would remember when John F Kennedy was shot. FYI, I was standing in a registration queue for the upcoming Wellington Marathon on Sunday, having just listened to the news while driving there that Michael Jackson had been taken to hospital after suffering a cardiac arrest. There was a large TV screen abovve the registration desk and CNN news was broadcasting; someone next to me looked up and said, "what, Michael Jackson is dead?". We all looked to the scrolling headlines and then I got a txt from my sweetie: "Michael Jackson is dead". Just like that.

I immediately started planning a blog post in my mind. I've thought about it overnight and realise that everything has been said already. Simon Sweetman's blog post entitled Michael Jackson's music summed it all up for me; I'm not interested in the allegations, eccentricities, behaviours, or tabloid fodder either. I may post some bits and pieces over the next week or so; we'll see.

It angers me to hear artists like Jackson called "singers"; performers, musicians, and composers deserve far more credit than that, especially someone who has attained such outstanding musical heights. And it's not just about record sales, either. I have said for nearly 13 years now that Michael Jackson's 1996 History tour to Auckland is the best concert I have ever seen and the yardstick I measure every other event with; none have even come close and I can't imagine they ever will. Three hours of non-stop, high-energy entertainment with brilliant music and exceptional staging; I remember saying to the friends I went with that I'm not surprised he collapses after concerts after all the effort that goes into them. Just when we thought the show couldn't possibly get any better, it did.

I don't want to hear about Jackson's 'weird' life, his chequered history, and anything to do with kids being dangled over balconies or 'playing' at his ranch. Now is not the time. For all the people posting on tribute sites, "was never a fan, don't really care" etc, why bother? Please just stay quiet. I'm happy to indulge in a joke or two about his life and/or death, but my overall mood is sad. The world has truly lost a musical genius.

Michael Jackson (1958-2009)

An offer you can't refuse ...

Yesterday, I received an offer I couldn't refuse. No, really - I did. And this wasn't just any old offer, oh no. It was potentially better than any other offer I had ever received. Truly. I didn't even have to do anything special to receive this offer. It came right to my door, and all I had to do was answer the doorbell. So how could I possibly turn it down?

Yes, how could I? ;-)

Two rotund 40-ish women introduced themselves and, with big smiles, proclaimed they were promoting the Bible and wanted to talk to me about what it could do for my life. I politely told them I was not interested, thank you, and made to step away from the door when one breathlessly called out (after climbing up just one flight of stairs) "don't you want help in solving the problems of the world?". Well, why didn't you say so before, lady?

Unfortunately, I turned down this offer of a lifetime and quite boldly stated that no thanks, I was working on that myself. (Not entirely true, but they have no way of knowing that.) No doubt they're praying for my soul this very minute and will smirk at me piously as they play harps on their big fluffy clouds while I spend eternity falling into an endless pit ... but seriously, these people need to get over themselves and trust that others will make the right choices in their lives before judging them or offering to 'help'.

Geez!